You Are There

OK, hang on, I have to stop laughing long enough to type.

Good God almighty, that was a fun comedy. Just the setup of having a modern-day reporter, with all the equipment and clothes and speech of today, running around the Xenaverse without a word of explanation or question made me chuckle. The episode's disclaimer is about the only thing in the show the acknowledges that "The concept of linear time was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture." The episode was a giant game of "What If": What if Geraldo Rivera were in a Xena episode?

This episode was another example of the incredibly creative way XenaStaff approaches clip shows. This was, in essence, a clip show, since both Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor had relatively little screen time and no big complicated fights or stunts to pull off. The clips were shown as file photos, artist's renderings, and "watch on the monitor" moments. The remainder of the time was filled in with interviews from a rogue's gallery of the show's best characters of the past season or so. X:WP retains its crown for some of the most original ways of pulling off clip shows of all time.

A bonus to getting Michael Hurst in this episode: two characters for the price of one! We meet Nigel the reporter, and we get a wonderful return appearance of Charon, all the way from first season's Mortal Beloved.

The whole Odin interview was hilarious - a talking chair that even moves with lines like the petulant twist with "Whatever!" And when Nigel calls Odin on his transparent trick, Odin pauses, curses, and reappears, outwitted. Odin still can't win - and I thought some of the *Greek* gods were wusses!

Xena's grandparents' home isn't faring well under Ares' care. He's managed to do more damage than twenty-five years of abandonment did! Good thing he's able to give that up. But a question: what happened to Horace?

Nigel must have one bodacious passport. The Norselands, Greece, Heaven, Hell, Valhalla, back to the Norselands... there's a guy determined to track down his story!

The talks with Michael and Lucifer revisit the whole controversy about how much guilt Xena should bear for Lucifer's fall. It doesn't make any progress on it, mind you, it just talks about the same things the fans talked about after the episode.

The first time Nigel finds Eve and her prayer group, watch when the pray-ers gather behind Eve. One woman stops between Eve and Nigel's shoulders, but then a guy practically steps on her to squirm his way into the prime background spot and react to everything that gets said. What an upstager!

Eve's cuss-out of Nigel was ----ing beautiful! I laughed my --- off!

Gabrielle's interview was a great scene. She actually starts breathing heavier when Nigel throws the Ares love scenes at her. She gives a great reaction to her own realization before she says she doesn't love Xena. And then Xena breaks down the set, tells Nigel he "has a pair on him," puts the pinch on him, and for once instead of the traditional "You have 30 seconds to tell me _____," says "You have 30 seconds to listen to what I have to say." Beautiful!

BIG time kudos to this episode for telling a very coherent story while the jokes are rolling! Beowulf brushes off Gabrielle, Eve is straying from her path of love, Xena and Gabrielle are bickering (well, more than usual)... all signs that something's rotten in the state of the XenaVerse. Of course, we figure out the plot a lot quicker than Nigel does, but forgive him, maybe he hasn't watched many Xena episodes before.

The episode's plot gets a mixed consistency review... but then again, so does the whole show. The loss of love in this episode hearkened back to Ten Little Warlords, when the world started to go crazy with the loss of the god of war. The problem is that none of that has happened since Xena plowed most of Olympus under - amazons are still running around, war and discord have been having a fine time, forges still burn. But I'm willing to give love a little extra air time.

The whole "So what's the plan?" argument was hilarious. Xena's finally exasperated with the traditional method of exposition. It doesn't keep Gabrielle from ending the whole scene with the same "So what's the plan" question that started it, along with an adorable grin. But it's also the one scene in the episode when the point of view is broken. Other than the first 45 seconds, the whole episode takes place through Nigel's cameras. Except for that scene.

Slight camera mismatch during the post-interview argument: when Xena and Gabrielle face off, Xena's hair is over her right shoulder whenever the camera is behind her, but is all pulled back whenever she's shot from the front.

It was TOUGH to pare down all the jokes to my favorite few of the episode. But after many painful decisions, the best jokes boil down to these:

"I was a God... a living god... and that bitch took me out." Definitely Caligula's best line delivery in both his episodes.

Gabrielle's vicious loofah attack on Nigel.

Michael's booming, reverberating "ARCHANGEL!"

"Cover anything up? I'm the devil, you idiot!"

"You can walk beside my horse!"

"I'm trying to get laid, I'm not a criminal!"
(Actually, the whole bordello scene was funny. And Ares' denial at being caught was even funnier.)

Aphrodite's squeaked "Saggy!" in her list of mortality woes.

Nigel poking himself in the eye with his glasses.

The episode takes a brief foray into All The President's Men territory, complete with a Deep Throat character who tells Nigel to "Follow the love" instead of "Follow the money." But unlike Woodward and Bernstein's Deep Throat, this one doesn't have the patience for denial and absence-of-denial games.

Aphrodite may be burdened with mortal woes, but she has plenty of time and attention for a camera. Don't miss her smack of a peasant who's clinging a little too closely and might interrupt her camera time!

The golden apple that Ares and Aphrodite eat sprouts leaves halfway through its scene. It must have been excited to have a moment in the spotlight!

I can think of two reasons that Xena paused so long over the golden apple before giving it to Aphrodite. First was that she may have wanted to toy with Nigel some more and make him sweat about which Xena was going to pick. Plus, with the God of War now back in his seat and no love in the land, how could that not be a tempting idea?

Aphrodite and Ares are both back, hale and hearty and god-ly again! It'll be very good to have Ares back in full form. I missed having that nasty fellow around.

During Grinhilda's interview, where the HECK did Xena come from to throw in her explanation of needing the balance between love and hate? Grinhilda was there alone. That was a jarring cut. And speaking of that interview, Nigel is an awfully dull knife to not yet realize that Grinhilda was his Deep Throat.

That was a little bit Too Much Information about what Eve's into these days when she demands that Nigel flagellate them all for losing their love. Someone really wants to be punished for being a naughty girl.

So, Xena and Gabrielle: "ARE you two lovers?" The show has now been playing the subtext game for so long and so famously that they can devote half an episode to a reporter trying to weasel that answer out. And Nigel fares no better than any of the show's viewers. "Technically," we still don't get an answer. Even the word "technically" could be used to build any of a whole slew of responses. The episode itself still throws lots of conflicting hints our way. In between accusations that Xena and Ares are shacking up and a montage of their love scenes, Gabrielle reassures Aphrodite that she and Xena are partners, even when love is gone from the earth. And when Aphrodite starts putting out her love waves, Xena and Gabrielle stare at each other pretty gooily while little hearts float around. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

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