Lifeblood

For those who aren't up on scuttlebutt, this clip episode was pieced together from clips from a totally different show. The footage is from the pilot of a series called Amazon High, which apparently is never going to see the light of day on its own. Which explains a lot about this highly strange episode that was really two shows in one: one very boring Xena episode, and one darned interesting series pilot.

I'll talk about the Xena episode first: this was one long exercise in Xeus Ex Machina. Need to put a soul at rest? Do a little grimacing and reach your hand out for a magic stick. It's hard to make standing in one spot look like suspenseful struggle and victory.

After the magic stick has been gained, it's now the solution to all problems. Need to solve the amazons' bloodlust? Hold up the magic stick. Want to convince them that you're worthy of respect? Hold up the magic stick. Want to find out how the episode ends? Hold up the magic stick. This was NOT one of Xena and Gabrielle's most productive episodes. Gab's speech at the end said the Thunderdome Amazons changed because of the innocence of Eve and the wisdom of Xena. Bull puckey. It was because of the Xeus Ex Machina.

Watch Eve when Gabrielle and Xena learn about Amarice's fate. Eve plucks up one of Gab's sais, drops it in a classic baby game of "I throw it, you bring it," and gives a hilarious laugh. That's called stealing the scene, kiddo.

Being an amazon is quickly becoming an even more deadly XenaVerse profession than being a kid. Yakut is toast, Otere is still not heard from, and Amarice has bitten the big one, too. It was touching to see the necklace from Them Bones Them Bones returned to Gabrielle, and I liked that Amarice added the bead for Eve. Very cute. Although I was kind of hoping that they would tell Xena and Gabrielle that all they had left of Amarice was her cloven pixie hat. That would have been painfully funny.

I've been really trying not to be confused by all these amazon tribes running around. I just kinda figured each tribe did things their own way. But Gabrielle is taking her "rightful" place as the Thunderdome Amazons' queen? Since when? Nobody's shown any interest in her up until now.

Goofy cross-tribalism aside, it's perfect that Gabrielle is making her adoption of Eve official by passing on her rite of caste. Nice touch.

Nifty effect of the blood constantly running down ghost Yakut's face.

The melodrama of the horse sacrifice was marvelously ruined by Eve's look of worry. Uhhh, Eve? That's still called stealing the scene.

Now, about the Amazon High flashbacks to the proto-Amazons: I was reeeally worried when the first clip showed this Buffy- ish chick show up out of nowhere and start screaming her head off. They never did explain why a teen from the present showed up in ancient amazon territory, but at least she stopped screaming. (And Samsara neatly took care of that problem.)

That was an awesome cast they had for that show. I liked pretty much everybody in the clips we saw: the teen, the amazons, good ol' Ephiny as a twisted and angry amazon, and our pal Karl Urban as a cute cannibal (ew!) in bearskins.

Both of the horse scenes were rockin'! The music was kind of the amazon equivalent of the battle music from The Debt. Line of the episode goes to Buffy/Ahtma/Cyane for her horrified "You're not supposed to eat horses!" And the world's first cavalry charge was done with just the right amount of hanging-on-for-dear-life looks from the proto- amazons.

HOW funny is it that Karl Urban, who so recently tacked our gals onto crosses as Caesar, was getting a death march with a crossbeam a la crucifixion BC? Since this was done for an entirely different show, I guess it wasn't intentional, but it was sure amusing to watch. Paybacks are a bitch!

So the origin of the amazons, in a nutshell, is that cannibals ate off all the menfolk in their tribe. To honor their memories, they would forever be a tribe of women (problems with procreation remain unaddressed). And in a nicely XenaVers-ian move, the amazons were so named because of a modern-day chick who had heard of the amazons. Nothing like a good paradox to wrap up your time travel story.

Is it just me, or did the amazon dancing improve in this episode? There were some pretty nifty moves in both halves of this show. And the Buffy/Ahtma/Cyane/whatever shook a mean leg on her own, too.

There's about three dozen consistency problems between the Xena half of this episode, the pilot episode half, and the past episodes with the Thunderdome Amazons. I'm not even gonna try to list them all. It was a game attempt to use some good footage that apparently had nothing better to do. If that footage had been rotten, I'd be highly put out. As it is, I won't complain that I got the chance to see it.

Return to the Wool-Gatherings.

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