Heart of Darkness

I hate episodes that resolve things by making up the rules as they go. A short week ago, we established that one becomes the ruler of hell if one kills the previous ruler. But apparently the previous rules are null and void if an archangel commits the seven deadly sins. There's no count of these sins or an explanation of this rule - it just pops up as if everyone knew it all along. And although Xena stayed her gorgeous self and just became an even smoother talker when she held the crown of hell, archangels and previous rulers show their new status by turning into latex-covered monsters. The whole episode had a bad case of changing the rules to suit the set-or-dialogueline-of-the-moment.

That said, there were also a lot of intensely cool things about this episode. A lot of the dialogue was incredible, especially Xena's smooth tongue. The first fight between Lucifer and Xena was awesome. And I liked the whole idea of this episode; if the Tao Te Ching can be written by Lao Tsu's wife, Lucifer could certainly have had some help deciding to rule hell. It's just too bad that the plot this was all stacked on was made of pixie sticks.

One other major snark I need to get out of the way: the preview of this episode stole most of the episode's thunder, especially Lucifer's final transformation and Xena's big closing "The hell I do!" line. Bad preview-maker, no biscuit!

I *loved* that winning the kingdom of hell made Xena into a sly-er talker than ever. Lucifer and Xena's quick "You twist my words!" "No, I straighten them out" exchange was perfect. The master of temptation SHOULD be able to talk circles around people. But then why were Mephistopheles and Lucifer about as glib as 40s movie monsters?

Some of HellishXena's best lines:
   "Let me guess... it's huge and potentially devastating."
   "Someone so guilty of indecent exposure"... made him look!
   "You don't mind if I call you Lucy, do you?"
   "That is, unless you WANT Mommy to go to Hell."

Listen to Lucifer when he introduces himself: "I am an ahhhhrchangel." Elvis, is that YOU?!? The king lives!

Gabrielle's outfit seems to be back from the chlorine pit! The skirt is certainly the same, and I *think* that was the same top. But of course, then she traded it in for a black leather bikini top. Can't argue with THAT fashion choice.

Turns out that Xena's sword flips aren't just useful for battle! They also make $20 gift shop massage wands perform wonders.

Once again, turning good seems to drop your IQ by about 25 points. Eve used to be master strategist of Rome. Yes when all Hell is breaking loose around her, all she can think to do is preach. And make knickknack offerings. And run away. And forget to check one little heart standing right next to her... who she trusts AGAIN after getting conked on the head. Good plan, there, Eve.

And speaking of which - Gabrielle conked Eve! Right out! I've been waiting for someone to do that for a few episodes now!

I know the nylon bustier-dominatrix teddies were supposed to look incredibly sexy on Xena... but it didn't work for me a bit. I just figured that apparently there is no fashion sense in hell.

Virgil makes out like a bandit in this episode! He gets to smooch up Gabrielle AND insult the bejeebers out of Eve. There's a guy who's been keeping up his weekly bribe payments to the scriptwriters.

I understand that Gabrielle pretty much passed a quarter- century by. But I was still squikked over Gab and Virgil inspecting each other's tonsils (and other bodily parts). He's still technically 25+ years her junior AND Joxer's son. Cradle-rob much, Gab?

Good gravy, we actually have a full-blown (pardon the phrase) orgy on the screen. Time to distract the kiddies away from the television. Bodies writhing everywhere, arms and legs flying until you can't tell what belongs to who, and Xena and Gabrielle dancing in the midst of it. And, of course, the whole thing kicking off with Xena and Gabrielle dancing together. That got the attention of every viewer in the orgy room and on five million television screens.

Subtext here, subtext there, a little bit of subtext everywhere! I'm not even going to bother spending time on that dance. There was also Lucifer's line about Xena's "blonde girlfriend." And Gabrielle's jealous fit and sign- her-up-for-the-majors pitch at Xena's head. And watch all those looks that go flying when Virgil thanks Xena for saving him from the biggest mistake of his life. I'm not certain what was on Virgil's mind, but Xena sure didn't seem happy at all about it. Gab had to do some fast talking of her own to get Xena back on the "Oh yeah, I'M supposed to be convincing YOU that I wasn't digging smooching on Lucifer" track.

As my witty viewing buddy asked when Eve reached the temple with all those scratches: "What'd she do? Run on her face?" And by the way, the scratches above her eye deepen and multiply as Eve talks with Gabrielle.

Xena never really went over the seven deadly sins that Lucifer hopscotched through. Assuming that she's talking about the same deadly sins we know, two of them are avarice (greed for money) and sloth (laziness). Lucifer seemed pretty spry and active the whole episode, and I never saw so much as a coin cross the screen.

Did Humpty-Dumpty fall, or was he pushed? Was Lucifer an innocent but arrogant angel whom Xena corrupted to get out of a bad spot, or did Xena know a bad apple when she spotted one and strip the sheep's clothing off a wolf? According to Xena, "It's not called corruption if you just peel away the layers to expose the rotten core." It's a tough question, and gets down to some really deep issues of free will, choice, and responsibility. If we're tempted into something we wouldn't normally do, are we really guilty of it? Can someone really be told at sword point to be wrathful? If someone offers a drink to a recovering alcoholic, who's more guilty when he falls off the wagon? If someone's seduced by a charismatic, gorgeous person, is that an excuse to the one who's been cheated on?

And to continue this question, if Xena isn't culpable for Lucifer's fall, is Michael? Xena says she did "Only what I suspect Michael wanted all along... to put you in touch with your inner demon." When Michael sends Lucifer down to Xena, he says "He may be perfect." Michael didn't want Xena ruling Hell. Did he send Lucifer to the slaughter, just because he would be a less powerful ruler of hell than Xena? And that brings up AGAIN all the questions about who, then, is responsible for Lucifer's actions.

Here's my two electrons' worth of opinion: Temptation makes it easier to indulge impulses that people already have. A person does not become a mass murderer by watching violent movies. Lucifer already had all the makings for pride, lust, and whatever else he had cooking up inside him. However, that doesn't release from all responsibility people hand him the opportunity and encourage him to act on his worst impulses. So Xena does take some of the guilt for Lucifer's descent, and Michael, who's supposed to be Lucifer's leader, gets a BIG dollop of guilt for giving him over to be destroyed.

And after all else is said and done, Xena ends the episode with some hokey, unconvincing platitudes about Gabrielle keeping her from losing control. In fact, it's so unconvincing, that Gab sarcastically tells her "Don't go getting all emotional on me." Was that really the way that was scripted?

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