The Haunting of Amphipolis

Y'know, I really liked this episode! Xena meets all the classic horror flicks. Good Halloween-y time. It still has a few niggling concerns, like that instead of a simple ghost we simply MUST be fighting the King of All Hell, and who knows WHAT that hell might be after all the different versions of the afterlife Xena's tromped around in. But still, it was a spooky romp, lots of atmosphere and creepiness, and I enjoyed it.

Congratulations to Michael and his buddy for providing the most boring and unnecessary opening exposition of all time. If you're that worried, Mich ol' boy, she's an old pal - why not ring her up?

Some of these horror moments were genuinely creepy. The moans, creaky doors, and disembodied cries. The ghostly image of Cyrene being dragged away. Blood dripping upward. Skulls and blackened bones. Maggots and worms. And taking the cake was Gabrielle's maggot attack on her hands - that was positively disgusting! It was awesome.

It's not a blooper, but there's an incredibly confusing cut when our trio of heroes (hey, that almost rhymes) arrive at Amphipolis. We take their point of view to look at the tumbleweeds blowing past... Argo II's butt. For a second I thought a duplicate was in the town until I realized we had jump cut behind the gals, who had also hopped off their horses in a hurry.

Eve finally gets something to do! Granted, that something is to get a lot of interpretive heebie-jeebies and chant, but at least it's something! Poor Eve, though, is underappreciated as a spiritual medium. "It's a gateway, or a spiritual crossroads, or-" "-It's haunted." "Well, sure, Mom, if you want to take the plebian layman's interpretation, yah."

Amphipolis isn't just haunted, it's got weather problems out the wazoo. It's dark when Xena and the gang arrive. Then when Xena opens the door to leave, it's bright and sunny out. As she walks across the town, it's dark and storming. Then in the mausoleum, sunlight streams onto the coffins. Even the sun is a ghost!

No horror story is worth its salt unless something truly tragic makes the horror real. So a moment of silence for Cyrene, who provided the grimness of the episode. XenaMomma spent her last years haunted, insane, and then burned at the stake. Gruesome! And maybe she has a light-and-happy afterlife now, but it doesn't take back those nasty years. And while it's a bummer for Cyrene, I'm glad nobody tried to steal the horror thunder of this episode by erasing those bad things that happened.

Two ultra-nifty effects that I really liked in this episode: when Cyrene passes through Eve and turns into a skull, and Mephistopheles' float above the air. Those were both "Ooooooo" moments.

Gabrielle has eaten a LOT of gross stuff... raw squid, goat cheese and chicken livers, Joxer's stew... I figured her stomach was pretty much cast-iron. Turns out she has a limit after all - one little maggot and she's barking at her boots.

One of the reasons I like this episode is the number of classic Xena looks we get in it. Xena glowers, looks wary and dangerous. She taunts, she growls, she cocks her head to the side in hear-through-the-walls concentration. That's the Warrior Princess we know and love!

Flashbacks to last season's finale - more about Eve being a messenger. Still no clue what her message is, though.

I realize it's another horror cliche that we must follow, but why, oh why, are normally intelligent people required to stay in a cursed place? When Xena finds out the house is haunted, wouldn't the smart thing be to LEAVE? Sure, there's evil to fight and a mother's spirit to rescue, but at least get everybody out to regroup and come up with a plan! Instead everybody splits up and starts showering. I'm surprised no mass murderers showed up with axes.

Gabrielle wins the sixth season award for being the first to drop her clothes. (Would that be a booby prize? Ba-dump-dum- dum!) And Xena wins... something... for being able to not just tie Gab up in a wrestling match, but wrap some toga undies around her, too. Another GabGarb bites the dust - so much for the leather bikini and skirt. The dark blue outfit looks good on her, although it doesn't show off those fine, fine abs. Wonder what's next?

When she gets possessed, Gabrielle bleeds from the wounds in her hands and feet where she got crucified. I'm sure that means something... I'm just not sure what.

"There is no Gabrielle, only Zuul." Posess-o-Gab was really cool, loved the voice effect, Renee O'Connor eats up every moment of it. But some of her moves were right out of Ghostbusters - I was expecting Gab to levitate over the stone slab at any second.

OK, it was kinda spooky, but mostly the Xena-Gab Stretch Armstrong doll just made me crack up. Loved their three- legged race to Eve.

Xena dies AGAIN?!?!?! This is getting ridiculous. And this time, instead of Tartarus, Elysium, the Amazon Land of the Dead, Heaven, or Reincarnation, she goes to Hell - which looks amazingly exactly like Tartarus did - but still, how on earth does anyone keep track of where Xena's going after seven trips to the afterlife?

And one other snarky remark: Xena, there's a HUGE GAPING PIT TO HELL right in front of you! Did you try just jumping down it? In an otherwise corny moment, Gabrielle's "I can't believe you're showing me this now!" is hysterically right on the mark.

Two entire episodes - Ties That Bind and The Furies - dwell on Xena's father, which includes lots of time on the fact that her father's name was Atrius. So why on earth was Cyrene calling out "My Orestes!" when she had killed him? Orestes was the name of the Furies' victim that Gabrielle met. Somebody's research intern needs to be fired.

Poor Anthony Ray Parker. That guy has been on the show 4 times, and in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, The Deliverer, and this episode, he's buried under four inches of makeup. New Zealand must have a shortage of suckers who are willing to undergo latex body mask hell. (Fun trivia factoid: Parker's fourth episode was Comedy of Eros, when he got to show his true - and rather handsome - face as the slaver who was going to buy the virgins.)

Mephistopheles is pretty nifty-looking, except that the forehead lines where the hornskull mask is attached look cheesy.

This episode features two really COOL sword versus pole arm fights! The moves are awesome, Meph-boy whips that long axe around like it weighs nothing, and Xena gets not just one, but two super-hero cracks with "I'm just distracted by your good looks" and "Other than your stench?"

The scene where Eve's past victims haunt her lacks the punch this scene had the first time around, when it was Xena's victims haunting her back in the first season. But I did like the disembodied head's hand providing the throat- chopping motion in air - that was some sick humor.

Xena is going to wake up from her little afterlife jaunt with a heck of a sore throat. I think poor Gab tries to pinch her five or six times. That's gonna leave a mark.

This whole inheriting Hell business is too melodramatic to take seriously... but I did like Xena's "So be it" line. Xena seems her usual self at the end, but all the signs point to something happening: she gets a spookster moment, the smoking pit to Hell is still belching dry ice in the middle of Amphipolis, and creepy music continues into the credits. The only thing we were missing was the "To Be Continued" subtitle.

Return to the Wool-Gatherings.

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