Fins, Femmes, & Gems
In a nutshell: Aphrodite starts throwing those goofy spells around again to prevent Xena, Gab, and Joxer from finding a diamond.
Plot? What plot? Fins follows what has become a standard
system for the X:WP gallivants: a two-minute exposition and
a two-minute resolution to provide the bookends for 40
minutes of gettin' goofy. I like comedies when they have
some story to go with them, but I'm not complaining too
loudly as long as the goofiness gives me some laughs. Fins,
Femmes, & Gems got tiring sometimes (Joxer grunting gets old
after 20 minutes), but it also made me laugh out loud a few
times, and that covers quite a few sins.
I officially take back every wisecrack I ever made about the number of Xena and Gabrielle nude shots this season. I'll never mouth off about them again (or I'll try real hard not to, anyway). Now, please, put the nekkid Joxer away!
My favorite moment of pure obsession: Xena has just managed to pull a drowning Gabrielle from the lake. "And you fell in," she states with amazement as Gab explains, followed on its heels with "Any fish in there?" Now THAT'S a one-track mind.
Welcome to the X:WP School of Dance. We have a new addition to the Amazonian Barddance and the Warrior Princess Dance of the Three Veils (even though you only get two): the Aphrodite Boogie. Please bring your own seashell headphones.
The XenaStaff just loves using godly influence to get Xena out of character. I got a kick out of hearing Xena mutter "fer cryin' out loud." The MAJOR pout and sulk from Xena when Gabrielle refused her nail wig - I mean, hair lock - was funny, but so wildly out of character that it made me twitch, too.
The rockslide footage was recycled from A Necessary Evil. I kept expecting to see a power-mad amazon getting buried in the rubble.
Yet more proof that Xena got around in her warlord days: "That's not humanly possible." "Sure it is," Xena replies with boredom after barely a glance. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, Warrior Princess?
The flying parchment - and its penchant for tackling Gabrielle - returns from A Day in the Life. The repetitiveness is mollified by Gab's adorable "Ow!" squeak - it's a wash.
Welll, listen to m'story 'bout Gabrielle,I'm sure she was about to say "bass," just looking forward to the fishing, right? I want to know how many times they had to practice that song before Renee could do it with a straight face. I didn't hear Xena's response the first time I watched because I was laughing too hard, but it was a great "I'm worried we're going to get there and the fish will be armed!"
Cute little gal that's lookin' really swell,
Perfect hair, such a lovely lass,
Nice round breasts and a firm young-
Ahem. WHAT, pray tell, was Gab doing with that frilly little nightie number in the top of her magic bag? That sure didn't look like typical campsite fatigues.
Aphrodite is declared guilty of underestimating the Warrior Princess. Although Xena remained obsessed, she had no qualms about using Gab's and Joxer's obsessions to see to that pesky diamond thing getting taken care of. But hey, if 'Dite never bothered to check in and make sure her plans were working, she deserved to lose the game.
Listen to Xena as she fishes: she's whistling her own theme song.
We're really flirting with the "text" side of "subtext." Xena's expression plummets from excitement to crushing disappointment when Gabrielle waxes rhapsodic about the one person for her - herself. Gabrielle accuses Xena of taking them to the lake so she wouldn't have any competition. Xena proudly notes that Gab's beautiful when she's angry. Subtlety goes out the window all OVER the place in these tweakfest episodes.
On the flip side of the coin, Xena is perfectly content when Atis the Apeman takes off with Gabrielle. It's not until the flying parchment crashes to earth that Xena gets peeved. "Monkey Man, you bring my launching assistant back!"
Young Xena wasn't a bad likeness, and NICE morph back to the adult. Small question, though: Xena's pole had a bite - why did Lyceus grab his pole, too?
My favorite Joxer moment of the episode: Xena and Gabrielle sit companionably on a log when a skinny, pale form swings by behind them. Xena continues fly-tying, Gab looks vaguely discomforted, and finally ponders "do you ever get the feeling we're missing something really important?" Nah, don't worry about it. He'll show up soon to offer furious zug-zug.
Gabrielle's list of marital and royal titles continues to grow. She has now been drafted as the bride of Morpheus, Queen of the Amazons, Queen of a weird country that has really goofy laws about pretty young blonde brides, and bride of Atis the Ape King.
I hesitate to bring up such a personal matter, but it struck me as so strange that I must ask: Is Ted just hairless, or did he shave his armpits for this episode?
Throwaway moments can make or break an episode like this. This ep had some good ones:
- Listen to the thugs when Gab is about to ambush them. One tells a joke and then spends the next minute explaining it.
- "Gabrielle and the Four Seasons!"
- Listen when Joxer tosses the arrow off the tree for a
falling bomb sound effect and the squawk of a struck bird.
I know that weather is a constant bugaboo for outdoor filming, but this episode brought new meaning to the words "variable cloudiness." We bounced from blinding sun to murky gray from shot to shot.
Watch Joxer's reactions when Xena rescues Gab from the lake. He's wearing his chest plate, but the plate is gone when he does his backflip. (Kudos to the sharp-eyed LadySpice for spotting this one for me.)
Some ruffians never learn. "Don't make me kill you." "You're new around here, right?" Just once, you'd think one of these thugs would be smart enough to take one look at the Warrior Princess (or the damage she's doing to his buds) and display a bit of brain by turning tail and running.
CUT TO a small room dominated by a table buried in scribble-covered paper. Two WRITERS sit at the table, holding their sides and laughing hysterically.
WRITER 1 (gasping): OK, OK, we've got Joxer eating maggots and Gabrielle smearing bug blood on her lips. What else?
WRITER 2: Wait! I've got it! Here's one the net fans will capture for all eternity: Xena heads for the lake yelling "Come on, Gabrielle, let's get wet!"
Both WRITERS collapse across the table in fits of hysterics. The door opens and the PRODUCER bursts in.
PRODUCER: C'mon, folks, it's deadline time! Aren't you done yet? (He grabs a few sheafs of paper and starts reading.)
WRITER 1: (Grabbing at one of the pages) Wait! We haven't put in enough fish-punching jokes yet!
WRITER 2 is still incapacitated.
PRODUCER: (scanning) We're out of time! You guys are totally obsessed with these jokes! The episode's almost over and nobody's any closer to a cure OR the diamond.
WRITER 2: (blinking) Oh. Well. Why don't we send a fish into orbit for Xena's brother and give Gabrielle some sidekick angst? That'll solve everything.
PRODUCER: It might work. But we haven't figured out what makes Joxer act like an ape.
WRITER 1: Huh. Well, we'll just put Xena and Gabrielle on a bedroll together like we did in A Day in the Life and everybody'll be too distracted to notice.
PRODUCER: You really think that'll work?
Return to the Wool-Gatherings.
Rate-A-Xena is brought to you by the letter omega, the number IV, and Beth Griese. Feel free to send any comments or questions my way!