Coming Home

OK, first things first: only five-sixths of the way through the series (according to the latest scuttlebutt), we actually have a new opening credits montage! Shots seem to mostly be from the original montage, or fourth, fifth, and this season. There's a half-dozen or so we haven't seen yet. Oo, the suspense!

Other tidbits that must be covered with a season premiere: Gab's hair is getting longer... she's getting a fluffy look. The costumes seem unchanged so far. Both our gals are looking hale and hearty and ready to sit down to an eight- course acting banquet. Eve looked so different I almost thought it was a different actress when I first laid eyes on her. I'm not sure what it is - maybe she just got a chance to get cleaned up between seasons - but she really threw me at first.

As for the episode... eh, not bad. Not GREAT, either, and nothing to blow our socks off to start the season off with a bang, but there wasn't anything that I hated, either. Others have already asked the question I must ask: Why was this called "Coming Home?" A reference to Gab seeing the Amazons 25 years later? When they only mentioned in two sentences that she has any relationship with them at all?

Kevin Smith does a stellar, stellar job in this episode. I had problems buying the insanity at first, but in the end, when his insanity is in full grip and then his grief is in full rage, he really nails it. What a great showcase for Ares.

When Xena and Gabrielle separate for their "Shaggy, you and Scooby go talk to the Amazons" plan, watch Xena's face. She shoots one of those old "She's so cute I could just scream" looks at Gab's back. I've missed those looks. Good to see it again.

Speaking of that plan... what happened to it?? Xena was going to spy out Ares, Gabrielle was going to talk to Marga. I was surprised when both Xena and Gabrielle showed up in Ares' tent, until we find out it's the Furies, until the REAL Xena and Gabrielle again show up at Ares' camp together. Gabrielle talked to Marga as expected; what was Xena doing?

This episode would have really been helped out if they had established that Ares was going crazy BEFORE babbling about ambrosia and believing Xena, Gabrielle, and Eve were all his lovekittens. I spent ten minutes being honked off that Ares would be that stupid. Once I understood he had a little Furies-whammy on him, I was OK with it, but it didn't give me back those ten minutes.

The Furies' idea of justice and retribution keeps getting stranger and stranger. In the first episode we saw them, they tortured Xena for not instinctively knowing that ma killed pa. Weird, but it fits in a Greek tragedy kind of way. Next time, Ares sic'ed them on Gabrielle to kill off Eve, in retribution for...? I can't even guess. And this time, they tortured Ares as vengeance for the death of the Gods. And as opposed to the resolution in the first episode, when madness is permanent, here they just wanted Xena to be killed off. Whaaaaatever. AND I never did get the Furies' little plan about how this would let them rule Olympus.

Lucy and Renee get to stretch their hammy, eeeeevil-acting muscles a bit. Gabrielle and Eve do a lot of that head- jerking kind of motion the Furies are famous for (I gotta admit, I like the Furies and their unabashed over-acting). Xena does a great fly-snag. But my favorite moment is when Ares & company march out of his tent. Watch FuryGab as they pass the honor guard - she snaps the guards a crazed salute, and FuryEve does a little bounce to follow suit until they get distracted by the armorer. Made me laugh out loud.

Eve needs a better 12-step program; she protests fighting in between battles and bone-headed exhibitions that turn her into a plot device. Did she really believe that bloody- thirsty Varia was going to use killer fighting moves for defense only? Neither of them seemed to believe it at the time. And by the way, won't those amazons be looking for Eve at the end of this episode? Gabrielle made a big deal last season out of making Eve into an Amazon and her heir... won't this be a bit of an issue?

The shots of the chakram striking the rock walls to create an avalanche are recycled from A Necessary Evil. Nice to see the show being so historical an' all.

Gabrielle pulls out the queen card in a big way with the threat of challenging Marga. It gets her and Xena what they want without a fight; not bad!

On the one hand, I'm very glad that the show has addressed that little "oops-upside-your-head" chakram incident. But on the other, their conversation about it was out of nowhere, five sentences long, and included no explanation, just instant acceptance. It was magician resolution, which leaves me feeling only imperfectly mollified about the chak-otomy.

The amazons were facing an army in their territory who greatly outnumbered them... and they attack by walking out of the woods? Have they never heard of guerilla warfare? Sneak attacks? Instead of giving away dance moves, maybe Eve should have been teaching these girls some tactics.

Xena seems to have traded in Argo II for a magical horse - it changes from dark brown to black and back again.

Xena responds to Ares' "Are you ready to die, Xena?" threat with "Been there, done that." No kidding! By my count, this is the sixth time Xena has died. I wonder which afterlife she visited this time?

Ares' love for Xena gets full legitimacy at last. His insanity is mostly focused on her - even though that's always been the case. He's always flirted with the crossroads between obsession, possession, and love when it comes to Xena. But his despair when he thinks he's killed her is raw in its reality, and Xena gives him the ultimate acknowledgement that there's always something between them with their first genuine kiss... at the same time that she reminds him that there will never be anything more than that.

But I must also add this... Ares' line about how there might still be a chance for them would have been sweeter if I hadn't seen a claymation chicken use the same line in Chicken Run this summer. Now I'm cursed with seeing Ares with the head of Babs the chicken. Help me!

From what I can figure, that chakram throw goes down as the all-time most prescient moment in the universe. Xena must be Nostradamus in disguise. At first, I thought Xena had thrown the chakram to Eve, who then threw it at the Furies... which bothered me because last we saw, only Xena had the ability to kill gods (which I assume includes their lap(-dancing) dogs), no matter the weapon. But by the end of the scene, I think the idea was supposed to be that the chakram had been flying for that whole five minutes, and that bothered me MORE. Sure, Xena's a master planner and can throw that chakram to beat the band, but when did she pick up a time machine in her travels?

Either Gabrielle's lips get very cold giving that mouth-to- mouth, or Lucy's purple makeup smears on Renee.

Lines of the episode ALL belong to Ares:
   "Don't touch me!" barking at Gab.
   "You'll have to kill every last one of us."
       "What'll I do with the rest of the afternoon?"
   "I gotta stop tryin' that, I'm gonna rupture something."

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