Bruce Campbell (Autolycus)

(spoiler-lite)

Bruce Campbell is hilarious. He's a smart-aleck, quick-thinking guy with a quip for everything, and nothing he says should be taken seriously. Before his first appearance, some video problems messed up Autolycus's intro video, and Bruce leaped onto the stage to yell "It'll just be a moment!" to the excitement of the crowd. Before Sunday's appearance the charity auction was going on, and Bruce ducked in from backstage a couple of times to offer bids. The Creation guy wryly introduced Bruce with the words "Well, I guess you already know he's here" on Sunday.

Bruce's wit is caustic - you have to dodge quick to avoid it. He has no problems with telling people "What are you, out of your gourd?" or asking "Who's dumb laugh is that?" He mentioned hearing that Xena's sword sold for $31,000 at the Santa Monica convention. "Are you people crazy?!" he yelled. The crowd immediately shot back with a resounding "YES!" "OK, I was just checking," he quietly responded with a big smile.

Speaking of cutting remarks, one questioner suggested that Bruce's stunt double get a better wig, since it's so obvious whenever he steps into the fight scene. Bruce declared that "I agree, by cracker," and told us that his stunt double is actually bald - he has no hair at all. Geeminey, you'd think getting him a good-fitting wig would be easy, then.

Bruce brought a young fellow onto the stage who was dressed as Autolycus. He challenged the other Auto to do a flip if he did one first. The "wannabe," as he called himself, agreed, to which Bruce replied "Sucker!" and did a mid-air somersault that landed him flat on his back. I have no idea how he got up. He even did a second one later, I think just to prove that he can do it with a bit more style. The wannabe, after being scared to death to try it, did a very fair flip.

Bruce's favorite answer to questions was "Well, what do YOU think?" When asked for his favorite Xena episode that he'd been in, he decided to take a poll of the audience. When the resounding answer was The Quest, he shot back "Why, because I put my hand on Gabby's ass? I do that all the time!" He added that "All I can say is Renee O'Connor is in verrrry good shape." He got asked about that scene both days, and threw in on Sunday that Renee could put out her own Buns of Steel video. "She's a little hottie, isn't she?"

Another fun question dodge came around when Bruce was asked about the subtext on Xena. "What do you mean? I don't know what you're talking about," he prompted, getting the questioner to explain the kiss in The Quest while Auto was possessed by Xena, to which he replied "Is that subtext? That's just text."

When he was asked about his inspiration for Autolycus, Bruce shrugged it off with "I don't know, I'm just a ham actor." He said he hadn't done any research into the Auto namesakes in Greek mythology or Shakespeare.

Bruce made a number of jokes about Autolycus being the father of Xena's baby. Sure, he said, we all laugh now, but we'll be singing a different tune when the baby shows up with a moustache and a goatee.

Bruce called himself the "pinch-hitter of character actors," pointing out that he usually only gets called when someone on the show has fallen off a horse, had an aneurysm, or gotten pregnant. It was a funny joke, but looking back, geez, he has a point.

A cute little girl asked Bruce why he doesn't marry Xena. Bruce's fast response: "Well, I was going to, but the producer did." The audience howled.

Bruce had nice things to say about everyone on the show: he said that Renaissance was incredibly lucky to manage to cast four top-notch people (Lucy, Renee, Kevin, and Michael) for their two shows. And Lucy, he said, "Is an extremely nice and normal person. Who is richer than all of you."

The Way, according to Bruce, was a (temporary) victim of not being politically correct enough. He placed the blame for the pulling of the show on skittish advertisers. He said another episode was changed when DeBeers diamonds, another sponsor, threatened to pull out of an "intimate episode." He didn't name the episode, but I've heard that in Fins, Femmes, and Gems, Gabrielle was originally going to be obsessed with Xena, and that DeBeers was behind the episode being renamed, although I hadn't heard before that they were responsible for the change in Gab's obsession from Xena to herself.

Another example of the razor wit of Bruce: one of the five twinkies in the audience who took every time Kevin Smith's name was mentioned as an opportunity to prove how long and high they could scream, told Bruce at the microphone that he was the second best-looking man on the show. Bruce pumped more information from the girl: "Oh, yeah? Who's the best-looking? Oh, yeah, Ares. What do you like about him? Yeah, that buff body. What else? Yeah, that chiseled face. Yeah. Well, he's gay." Which was a total lie for family man Kevin Smith, but it still made us laugh until our sides hurt.

Bruce Campbell, by the way, is secretly the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Kids liked getting in the question line, and on Sunday, he was followed everywhere he went by a flock of about five kids, ages around 7-12. I saw Bruce walking through the hotel lobby, and the kids were literally following in his footsteps, giggling madly all the way. They sat on the edge of the stage and kept their eyes glued to Bruce the entire time he signed autographs. I don't know what he did to inspire that devotion, but those kids adored him. It was ridiculously cute.

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